Dick Ham
Register Columnist
RICHMOND —
I was just thinking the other day about how difficult it is to be old. We stay confused much of the time. Things continue to change, often faster than we can comprehend.
We notice that stairs are getting steeper, groceries are getting heavier and everything is farther away. I walked a bit in my neighborhood and was dumbfounded to discover how long the street alongside my house has become.
People are becoming less and less considerate, especially youngsters. They seem to speak in whispers and when they are asked to speak up, they just keep repeating themselves, mouthing the same silent message. Do they think we are lip readers?
I was busy shaving the other day, and while doing so, I happened to glance at myself in the mirror, and really now, they don’t even make mirrors like they used to.
Have you noticed how fast everyone drives these days? You risk life and limb when you pull into the highway in front of them. Their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are suspect these days. Why else would they label a pair of slacks that are actually 34-inch waist as 44? The makers of bathroom scales pull the same prank. I’d never let myself weigh what my scale reads.
The phone company is in on the conspiracy. They print phone books in such small type, no one could ever find a number.
A guide was showing a group of seniors through a zoo. They came to a cage of kangaroos and the guide said, “Here we have natives of Australia.” One of the dear ladies said, “And to think, my sister married one of them.”
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, observed an elderly member of the congregation get up and leave during the middle of his sermon. The senior returned just as the sermon was ending. As the gentleman was going out, the pastor said, “I saw you leave. I hope nothing was wrong.” The senior citizen replied, “No, nothing was wrong, I just went out to get a haircut.” The pastor was puzzled by his answer and asked, “Why didn’t you get a haircut before the service?” The senior answered, “I didn’t need one then.”
Consider these facts — You’re old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you used to get from a roller coaster. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells remain forever. Isn’t this amazing? You hang something in your closet and it shrinks two sizes. The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have become good friends.
A lady was about to celebrate her 100th birthday. Her hairdresser had promised complimentary hair services when she reached that milestone. The hairdresser was talking with the elder as she was doing her hair. She told her she was exactly half her age. The old lady was silent for a few moments, and then said, “There’s only one thing that worries me about this. What will I do when you are too old to do my hair?”
On July 1, a column appeared in this newspaper written by our editor, Lorie Love Hailey. In that column, Lorie wrote about her teen years and about the fact that she and her teen-aged friends loved the musical group, “New Kids On the Block.” That immediately sent my sick mind into overdrive. I thought perhaps I’d begin a music group and call it, “Old Folks In the Neighborhood.” I wonder, will Lorie and her friends like my group?
Trivia answer
The name dashboard for a car’s instrument panel dates back to horse and buggy days. Horses kicked up mud and dirt, splashing the passengers in the buggy. The dashboard was devised to protect them.
Trivia question
What Kentucky native was the first female vocalist to appear on the cover of Time Magazine?
Thought for the day
Inside every older person, there’s a young person, wondering what happened.
(Editor’s note: I am anxiously awaiting the debut album of “Old Folks in the Neighborhood.”)
