It gets more difficult to grow old

March 16, 2010

Dick Ham Register Columnist The Richmond Register Tue Mar 16, 2010, 11:01 AM EDT

RICHMOND — I was just thinking the other day about being old, and what a difficult task that has become. See if those of you who are also old, agree.

With weak knees, sore backs, weak hearing and weak eyes, we make our own special noises. Creak — leg bones, feet and ankles. Crack— elbows, neck and shoulders. Honk — nose, throat and sinuses. Pop — all joints. Click — jaw, gums, and teeth, whether real or false. Thump — heart. Clank — whatever artificial parts we may have. Flap — excess flesh, found in various places.

It now takes a great deal less of everything to satisfy. Half a sandwich, half a banana, half a piece of pie. That explains why there is always half a sandwich, half a banana and half a piece of pie in our refrigerator.

We no longer have to work ourselves to death. We no longer get up before dawn, come home after dark and seldom see our kids. We’re not trying to climb the ladder of success anymore. We’re content with a recliner of moderate achievement. Anyway, climbing a ladder is dangerous for people our age.

It’s OK for us to be cranky, in fact, young people expect that, so let’s not let them down. At our age, crankiness is considered charming, so that means that most of us are extremely charming. Actually, crankiness is an art form that we’ve become experts at.

Two older men were sitting together on a park bench. As they talked, they became louder and louder, and it became apparent they were arguing. One was heard to say to the other. “I’ll just take you off my pallbearer list.”

Two old buddies were out in a row boat fishing one day. One accidentally lost his dentures over the side of the boat. His pal, being a prankster, took out his own false teeth, tied them to his fishing line, and pretended he had caught them. Unhooking the teeth, the grateful friend tried to put them into his mouth, then angrily tossed them overboard, saying, “those can’t be mine, they don’t fit.”

An elderly woman arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter told her she needed to spell a word in order to come in. “What word is that?” the lady asked. St. Peter answered, “Love.” She spelled it correctly and was ushered through the pearly gates. Several years later, St. Peter asked the lady if she would watch the gate for a while, which she gladly agreed to do. While she was the gate keeper, her husband arrived. “How have you been?” she asked. “I’ve been wonderful he said. I married the beautiful young nurse who cared for you when you were ill. I won a huge lottery, so I sold our little house and bought a huge mansion. My new wife and I traveled around the world, and just yesterday, while I was water skiing in Cancun, I fell, hit my head, and here I am. What must I do to get in?” She answered, “You must spell a word.” “What word must I spell?” he asked. “Czechoslovakia” was her reply.

Health issues are one of our primary concerns. Some of us are insured by an HMO. You might want to reconsider the one you have if any of these things become apparent.

Their EKG machine resembles an Etch A Sketch. The IV solution looks a lot like Kool-Aid. Setting a broken bone involves the use of duct tape. You can get a discount for making up your own hospital bed. X-rays are developed at Walmart. Tongue depressors are recycled. Their ambulance is rented out as an airport shuttle during off hours. The thermometer registers to 400 degrees, and tastes a lot like turkey. If you request a second opinion, they refer you to last week’s episode of “ER.”

Trivia answer

The female humor columnist who wrote the best-selling nonfiction books of 1978 and 1979 was Erma Bombeck. They were “If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?” and “Aunt Erma’s Cope Book.”

Trivia question

Who is the only U.S. President to have never been elected President or Vice President?

Thought for the day

At our age, if we don’t wake up aching in every joint, we are probably dead.

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